When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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