We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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