guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
