I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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