Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
