ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
