Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
