her vagine was all disorganized.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
