also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
