We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
