How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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