Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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