Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
