God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am in a vortex of obligation.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
