Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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