everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
