My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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