please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
