peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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