my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
