I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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