i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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