so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
