I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
