we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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