a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
