umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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