My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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