i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
