Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
