well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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