did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize