I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
