so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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