i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
