I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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