your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
