My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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