you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
