This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
