i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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