I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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