Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
