I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
