i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
