That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
it's like heaven, but drunker
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
