Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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