The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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