He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
