You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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