He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
