im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
