I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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