also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
