I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
