someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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