Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
