I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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