I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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