hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
