I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
