I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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